Pretense
by kawaiinoodle
Summary: How did the starving writer forget his muse? How did Sebastian Michaelis forget Ciel Phantomhive? (AU, OOC, rated M for language and yaoi)
1. Prologue

_ "You say that you love the rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when it shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close the windows when it blows. This is why I'm afraid, you say that you love me too." _

― ?

He sat slumped against a brick wall, where, he wasn't sure. It was dark, quiet, and smelly. Basically, a typical New York City alleyway. He shouldn't have been there. If anyone found out, if anyone saw him, he'd be ruined. Sebastian Michaelis couldn't afford being ruined. No, there was far too much at stake. Far too much to lose.

So of course he did what seemingly every other privileged wealthy adult did. He got drunk. Drinking made the problems go away. Drinking made everything easier. "Silly, silly, Sebastian. You don't have problems, what are you thinking?" He giggled and tossed the empty bottle of champagne away, watching it roll down the gentle slope of the narrow alley. "What problems are you trying to make go away?" He stood up, knees wobbly, trying to gain a steady footing. When he failed, abruptly falling back to the ground, he began to laugh wickedly. "What problems? What problems?" He shook his head and closed his eyes, deciding to let himself go completely. Sleep came easy when intoxication took over.

...

"Sebastian? Sebastian?"

Sebastian's eyes fluttered open; he was immediately aware of an achy throbbing in his head. "Damn," he whispered. "Who is it? Who's here?" He reached over, ready to grab the pair of glasses sitting on his nightstand. When he didn't find them, he swore again. "Where the fuck am I?"

"Goddamnit, Sebastian, you never went home from the party last night! I've been looking everywhere for you! I didn't sleep last night because of you, I haven't had a good sleep for the past five years! Why do you do it? Why do you always run away? What the hell are you running from-"

"Grell, where am I? Why am I not in my apartment?"

"Christ, Sebastian, did you not hear a word I just said?!" Grell rolled his eyes and took a breath, trying to calm himself. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Sebastian stood up, blood rushing to his already pained head. He sighed in frustration. "I watched the new episode of _Friends_. Then I went to sleep. So tell me what the hell I'm doing here!"

Grell raised his eyebrows. "Did you say _Friends_?" He would have laughed, if not for the completely serious look glazed over Sebastian's face. "Sebastian, do you really not remember last night? Please tell me your not serious, please tell me this is a joke-"

"Why would I be joking, Grell? Your scaring me-"

"Your scaring _me_!" Grell studied Sebastian's expression, searching desperately for some sign that he was joking. When he found none, his heart began to race. "_Friends_ hasn't been on since 2004."

"It's 2003, Grell." Sebastian spoke calmly, though he already knew he was wrong. _What happened last night?_ _What happened to my memory?_

"It's 2013, Sebastian. It's Saturday, July 20th, 2013. You went to a party last night, in fact, the party was in honor of you. You just published a new book, Sebastian. It's already on all the bestselling lists. You were really excited, so excited that you kissed Ciel on the lips, right in front of everyone. Don't you remember? Don't you remember the cheering, the whispers, Elizabeth slapping you? Don't you remember standing on the stage, telling everyone that you didn't care anymore? That your career wasn't as important as Ciel?" Grell kept speaking, but it was clear Sebastian had stopped listening.

"Who is Ciel?"

Don't do this, Sebastian! Don't you fucking dare! Stop playing-"

"I'm not playing, Grell. Tell me, who is Ciel?" Sebastian's face was now pale white. His heart hardly seemed to be beating. "Who is Ciel?" He asked again, more forcefully. When Grell just stared, he yelled. "Who is Ciel, Grell?!"

"Ci-Ciel Phantomhive, your boyfriend."

Sebastian felt like throwing up. "My **boyfriend**, does that make sense, Grell? Does that make any sense at all?" He wanted to laugh, but somehow, he couldn't. Because he knew Grell was telling the truth. "I'm 18 years old, Grell. I graduated high school a few days ago. I have a girlfriend. I work at Starbucks. So what the hell are you talking about? I don't have a bestselling book. I don't have a goddamn boyfriend!" But with every word, Sebastian knew it was all true. Everything Grell said was the truth. He was not eighteen anymore. He was twenty-eight. He did not have a girlfriend. He had a boyfriend. He did not work at Starbucks. He was a writer.

"Are you alright, Sebastian?" Grell took a step towards him, timidly putting out a comforting hand. He wasn't surprised when Sebastian pulled away.

"How can I possibly be alright, Grell? I woke up this morning as a new person. Tell me, how could anyone possibly be alright with that?" Sebastian began to pace, kicking an empty champagne bottle to the side. He had no memory of drinking out of that very same bottle only a few hours previous. "What happened to me?"

* * *

_A/N: I hope you all love this. I promise this time around, I'll write much longer chapters. _

_You know that quote I put at the beginning? I've seen it all over the place, and some people claim it's Shakespeare while others say Bob Marley. I don't really think it's either, so that's why I put the question mark. If you happen to know the real author of that quote, please tell me!_

_Anyways, I'll try to update by Monday :)_


	2. Prom

One Year Earlier

"Ciel! Come on, what are you waiting for?" Lizzy pulled on his arm, trying to coax him into the school's gym. Loud music blared from speakers twenty feet away, teenagers were pushing and shoving their way through the crowd, dancing and shaking. Conversations rang out from every corner of the room, people having to yell over the incessant buzz of music.

This was not Ciel's idea of fun. Not even close. He did not want to be here in this room full of people he hated. He did not want to dance. He did not want to listen to this garbage people called 'music.' And yet, somehow, Lizzy had pulled him all the way here, forcing him to wear a suit, forcing him to take pictures with her family, and forcing him to hold her hand. Elizabeth Midford, the only girl who had ever got Ciel Phantomhive into a suit. His only friend.

_ Friend. There's that word._ Lizzy did not want to be Ciel's friend. She wanted to be his girlfriend, and for most teenagers, that would be fine, no, perfect. Every teenager wanted to be loved. Ciel wasn't any different in that aspect, but he was different in another aspect. He had no desire to kiss or touch Lizzy. He didn't want to hold her in his arms. He didn't want to sleep with her. 'You're insane,' people said. 'Why aren't you going out with her? She's gorgeous.' She was. Lizzy was the most beautiful girl Ciel had ever seen, and for some reason, six years earlier, she had decided to be his friend. She had chosen him, and ever since, they had been inseparable. And somewhere along the way, Lizzy fell in love. Ciel didn't. He couldn't. At least, he couldn't fall for a girl.

"Lizzy?" Ciel tugged on Lizzy's arm, trying to get her to back out of the overly crowded room. "Can we talk? Somewhere in private?"

Lizzy raised her eyebrows. Her lips quickly turned into an interested curl. "We can go upstairs, I'm sure the restrooms up there are empty." She smiled. "Are you going to say what I think you're going to say?"

Ciel knew exactly what she was expecting. She had never kept her feelings for him a secret. She had made it clear, all the way back in ninth grade, that she had a crush on him. And then, only one month earlier, she had told him she loved him. That was the moment Ciel had felt guilty, for the first time in his life. He had let Lizzy love him, he had let her stay by his side, hoping for him to reciprocate her feelings. He had let her go on, all this time, loving only him. He had never had the courage to tell her the truth. Not even that moment a month earlier, when she had grabbed his hands, and said those three little words. 'I love you.'

"Come on," Ciel said, ignoring Lizzy's question. He led her away from the obnoxious noise, through the hallway, and up the stairs. He pulled her into the men's restroom, empty as expected. His heart was racing. He was terrified.

Lizzy giggled. Her face filled with pink. "Ci-Ciel?"

Ciel looked at her. He leaned against the wall, steadying himself, trying to keep from falling down. He adjusted his tie and wiped the quickly building sweat off his forehead. "Lizzy, I need to tell you something."

Lizzy took a step towards him. She reached over to him, touching his shoulders, lightly, face directly in front of his. Her eyes shined, she was nervous. Ciel could see what she was about to do. "Lizzy, no, I-"

She closed her eyes, leaned in, and kissed him.

Ciel leaped backwards, into the wall. "Lizzy, I'm so sorry, but-"

Her face went white. "Oh, god, you-you don't like me." Lizzy dropped Ciel's shoulders, tears already falling down her face. She sniffled and wiped them away, trying to regain her composure. "I thought- I thought you were just shy." She tried to smile, tried to cover her clear embarrassment, and failed. "But you don't like me, you don't like me like that." Tears fell down again. "Shit, Ciel. I don't know why I'm crying. I've never cried in front of you before."

Ciel's heart wanted to tear into a million little pieces at sight of his best friend, heartbroken. He should have told her years ago. He should have told her the moment he figured it out. This never would have happened. He should have told the truth. He took a deep breath and reached out to her, ready to hug her, ready to tell her he was sincerely sorry for everything. Ready to tell her that he was still her friend, that he cared about her, that he didn't want everything to be ruined. He dropped his arms. _Don't tell her that, Ciel. She doesn't want you as a friend._ So instead, he said what he should have said back in seventh grade, the day he found out who he really was.

"Lizzy, I swear, if I liked girls, I would have chosen you." He took another breath. "But I don't like girls, Lizzy. I like boys." Ciel braced himself against the sink, fingernails digging into it, anticipating Lizzy's outburst. Ready for her to slap him, tell him he was worthless, tell him he was a jerk-

"Get out, Ciel."

He stared at her. She didn't meet his eyes. He still stood, tied to the sink.

"Get out," Lizzy said again, more forcefully. When Ciel didn't move, she screamed. "Get the hell out of here, Ciel!"

So he did. He fled from the restroom, not allowing himself to cry. Trying his absolute hardest not to feel guilty. _Why didn't you tell her earlier? She's your best friend, Ciel. Why didn't you tell her? Why did you lead her on?_

Ciel could picture seventh grade perfectly. It was the fourth week of school, the fourth week of middle school. Everyone around him had started maturing. Boys and girls were discovering just how interesting the opposite gender was. Words like, 'sexy,' and 'hot,' were thrown around. Nervous couples had their first kisses. Hair started growing in places no one wanted. Bodies started changing. Acne was rampant. Puberty, the most awkward, strangest, stage of life. But Ciel didn't have the same feelings for girls that all the boys around him felt. When they would confront him in the locker room about why he didn't make a move on Lizzy, he would reply with, 'we're friends.' He didn't look at Lizzy the way every other boy seemed to. He didn't notice how much bigger her breasts were than the other girls. He didn't notice the smooth curves of her body. He didn't have the urge to lean over and kiss her.

But there was someone Ciel felt that way towards. Alois Trancy. His gym locker was right next to Ciel's. He was absolutely beautiful. The golden hair, blue eyes, every inch of his body, shined. He was Ciel's angel. Alois was to Ciel what Lizzy was to everyone else. That day in the locker room, Ciel had realized it for the first time. He was attracted to his own gender. He should have told Lizzy, that way she wouldn't have kept holding onto him. She could have moved on. Instead, Ciel kept it a secret. As much as it pained him to do it, he hid his feelings. He moved his locker away from Alois. He stopped staring at the muscles that rippled when Alois played basketball. He stopped searching for Alois in the cafeteria.

He pretended to be someone he wasn't. He pretended to be attracted to girls. All through middle school, all through high school, he pretended. And now, on the night of Senior Prom, the night that was supposed to be the perfect ending to high school, he was crying. And he couldn't stop. Every bad memory he ever had was suffocating him. He sat down on the stairway, the music from downstairs beating faintly in his ears. "Why did I pretend?"

"What did you say?"

Ciel looked up, expecting Lizzy. His heart immediately dropped into his stomach. Alois Trancy was standing in front of him, wearing a concerned look and a perfect tuxedo. He sat down, his cologne catching the air.

Ciel scooted a few inches away. After all this time, he still had a crush. A huge one.

"Why are you crying?" Alois scooted in closer, ignoring Ciel's body language. "Don't you wanna go downstairs? They're going to announce the king and queen soon."

"Please leave," Ciel managed, looking down into his lap, praying that Alois would just leave and stay out of his life. _If it wasn't for you, maybe I would be normal. Why did you have to be so damn perfect? Huh?_

"Hey, Ciel, tell me why you're crying. Did that Lizzy girl dump you? I didn't even know you two were dating-"

"We weren't," Ciel said flatly. "How do you even know my name? You've never talked to me before. You're popular. You're-"_don't say it, Ciel. Don't tell him that you've been in love with him for years. _"People like you don't talk to people like me."

Alois laughed. "What, are we in some high school soap opera? I've never talked to you because you're always avoiding me. Every time I look at you, you look away. Every time I open my mouth to say something, you go running off. Do you hate me or something, Ciel? Did I do something wrong?"

_You made me fall for you. You made me hate myself. You made me break Lizzy's heart._ "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have avoided you." Ciel wanted to run away this very second. He wanted to put as much distance as possible between himself and Alois.

"You don't sound very sincere," Alois said quietly. "Maybe I'm just one of those people. You know, how everyone has someone that just rubs them the wrong way. Is that what I am to you, Ciel?"

"No, I-" _Shut up. Shut up!_

Alois leaned in closer. "Or am I something else? Do you like me, Ciel? Is that why you've always avoided me?" He smiled. "It's okay, if that's what it is. There are more gay guys than you think at this school."

Ciel felt like dying. _I'm already embarrassed enough. Do you really need to sit here and tell me what I already know?_ He stood up, his tears already dry. "Thanks Alois, I'm glad you're okay with it, but in case you didn't know, school ends in two weeks. I'm never going to see you again. I'm going to get over you. I'm going to like someone else, preferably a girl. Preferably Lizzy." He started walking down the steps. "Have a nice life, okay, Alois? I bet you'll be crowned prom king, congrats." He jumped down the stairs, two at a time, holding in the fresh tears. Feeling guilty again. _Why do you keep lying, Ciel? Why don't you tell him that you love him and you don't care anymore? You shouldn't care that he's not a girl. Like he said, there are plenty of gay guys here. And they don't care, right? So why do you? Oh, that's right, they don't have parents like yours._

"Wait, Ciel, are you sure you're alright? We can talk you know, it's okay-"

"Just let me get over you, Alois. Please don't talk to me again." Ciel continued down the stairs. He didn't look back. He ran down the hallway, pushing himself through the throng of teenagers. He ignored the looks he received. He let his tears fall freely, not caring what anyone thought. He was beyond caring.

"Ciel, hey, wait!" Alois was a few feet behind him, frantically trying to reach him.

_What the hell are you doing? Did you not understand me? Leave me alone!_ Ciel ignored Alois's shouts, diving for the front doors. When he found them, he pushed himself out into the night air, exhaling. He wanted to throw up. Two people now knew his secret. _Congratulations, Ciel, you almost got through high school without people figuring it out. _Lizzy was known for holding grudges. She would almost certainly tell his parents. Ciel hoped desperately that she wouldn't tell the whole school. _She's not that kind of person._ But he wasn't so sure.

Alois though, he was even less sure of. Alois seemed like a good enough guy. But under the nice exterior, surely there were secrets. He could very well tell everyone about Ciel. He could have the whole school know about it in a few minutes. _You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Maybe you would. Do you resent me, Alois? For avoiding you? Did I hurt you? _

Ciel walked past the smattering of drunk teenagers and down the steps, not waiting for Alois to burst through the doors. He started to jog, taking off down the sidewalk, into the busy New York City night. He let his tie drop to the ground, untucked his shirt, and opened his jacket. He ran through the crisp night air, wanting to find a bridge or building somewhere to jump off of. He wanted his humiliation and guilt to end. He did not want to go back into that school on Monday. He didn't want to face Lizzy and Alois. He didn't want to face potentially everybody. And least of all, he didn't want to go home. Lizzy could have already called his parents. She might have already told them everything. Ciel couldn't bear facing them. He could only imagine what they would say, what they would do.

Despite the mild weather, Ciel found himself shivering. He kept running, trying to make his heart beat faster. Yet, his heart only beat slower. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. The cars speeding by every so often seemed to be moving at five miles per hour. The few people on the street seemed to be walking at the speed of snails.

_Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like shit? I'll be okay, even if Lizzy or Alois tells, I'll still be okay. I'll get through this. _And yet, he could picture his parent's faces. His mom would cry. His dad would yell. There would be no argument. His dad would punch him, throw a suitcase in his face, and say goodbye. They would never speak again. Ciel would be disowned. _Why Alois? Why do I have to love you? Why can't I love Lizzy? Why can't I be normal?_ Ciel stopped running. He was out of breath. He collapsed to the sidewalk, gripping his tired knees. He was out of tears, finally, after maybe five miles straight of running. He didn't even know where he was anymore, his neighborhood was far behind him. "Maybe I should sleep here, get used to being homeless." He laughed grimly.

Ciel's phone rang. He had forgotten about it. _Incoming call from 'Mom.'_ Ciel was too afraid to answer it. He couldn't bring himself to. It was past midnight, the prom had ended at eleven. Most kids were either returning home or having sex. Ciel had no intention of doing either. The phone rang again.

"Are you going to answer that?"

Ciel looked up, for some reason, expecting Lizzy or Alois. For the first time that night, he was relieved when it was neither. It was a man, maybe in his mid twenties or so, with jet black hair and a small round earring in his left ear. He was wearing tight fitting jeans and a loose tank top. There were tattoos running up and down his right arm. He was not the type of person who would ever be seen around Ciel's conservative suburban neighborhood.

"You missed it again."

The phone was silent. There were now three missed calls from his mother. It was nearly one in the morning. "It's my mom, she's probably worried."

"Did you just come from prom?"

Ciel's eyes widened. "Oh, yeah. I-I should be getting home now." He didn't know what is was, but the man was intimidating, somehow. Maybe it was the fact that this guy looked a hundred times cooler than Alois ever had. Maybe it was because he was so different from anyone Ciel had ever met. So...intriguing. _But I can't stick around. Even though my life feels like it's falling apart right now, I have to confront it right? I have to confront life, even if it hurts. Even if I'm thrown away by the people I care about. _

The man nodded. "It's pretty late, isn't there a curfew for teenagers?"

Ciel had no idea. "Probably. Um, I'm going now, have a nice night-"

"Wait!" The man grabbed Ciel's hand. "Sorry," he dropped it and cleared his throat. "Do you want me to walk you?"

_I don't even know you. _"I'm fine, thanks-"

"I sound like a creep, right? I'm not, I promise. I just, I've just been having some problems lately. I'm a writer. I'm writing this book right now, it's about this teenager. He's gay. The problem is, I'm not. I have absolutely no idea how to write about a gay character-"

"Than right about a straight one." Ciel started to walk away.

"You're gay right?"

Ciel whisked around. _Who the fuck is this guy? _"I don't know who you are, but-"

"Help me, please. I'm tired of writing about princes and princesses. Just once, I want to write a story where the guy gets the prince. Wouldn't that make you happy? Wouldn't it be a great way to represent your community?"

_My community? What is wrong with you? _"I'm sorry, Mr-"

"Sebastian, my name is Sebastian."

"I'm sorry, Sebastian, but I've got problems too. I don't have time to sort out your problems." Ciel walked away briskly, back the five miles he came from. He picked up the tie he had dropped earlier. He walked as if in a trance. Every moment of the night replaying in his mind over and over again. From Lizzy's crying, to Alois calling after him, to Sebastian the writer and his request. He opened the front door at half past two, bracing himself for what was surely to come.

* * *

_A/N: I know I said I would update on Monday, but I was actually really motivated today, so an early update, yay! I know this seems completely different from the prologue, but we'll get there eventually, I promise. I hope you're enjoying it so far. I'm really excited to write this :) _


	3. Write

4:30 AM

"Grell?"

"Oh my god, what is it? It's past four, you know that right?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"What's new?"

Sebastian flicked a cigarette between his fingers. He leaned against the balcony, looking down at the rushing traffic far below him. The city never did go to sleep. He yawned into the phone. "I met this kid a few hours ago. I think...he's my...muse." Sebastian took a long drag of the cigarette and then dropped it to the ground, stomping it with his foot.

"Your muse? What the hell are you talking about now?"

Sebastian could almost hear Grell rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. "My inspiration. You know that book I started writing? The one about the gay teenager? Well, I found a real gay teenager-"

"Shut up. Shut up right now. Don't say another word."

"What?" Sebastian was genuinely confused. "What did I say wrong?"

Grell snorted. "A _real gay teenager._ As if they're some kind of specimens for you to observe. Look, I'm glad you found some inspiration. But do you honestly think this is going to work, Sebastian? What are you trying to prove? Haven't you ever heard, 'write what you know?' You're bad enough at writing straight relationships, so why would you even attempt a gay one? Is this in the hope that you'll suddenly be taken seriously? You think you'll suddenly win a thousand awards, you'll suddenly be loved by everybody, is that it? Let me tell you something, Sebastian; it isn't going to work. It just isn't. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's the truth."

"Is it really, Grell? Is that really the truth? You don't believe in me, I've known that forever, but as my friend, can't you just support me?" Sebastian could now see Grell shaking his head. He knew what he would say next.

"I'm not speaking as your friend right now, Sebastian. I'm speaking as your agent. And I'm tired, really, really, tired. We'll talk tomorrow." Grell hung up without another word.

Grell Sutcliff. Best friend, agent, and the only person who could stand to be in the same room with Sebastian Michaelis for more than ten minutes. (Although, Sebastian highly doubted Grell would have stayed by his side if it wasn't for the paycheck he received each week.) They had met on the elementary school playground all the way back on the first day of Kindergarten. They had both decided they were the only intelligent beings in the whole school. From that day onward, Grell and Sebastian were friends. Somewhere in their twenty-three year relationship, Grell had had enough of Sebastian's childish, irreverent behavior. He had long ago decided that they were colleagues, not friends. He had named himself Sebastian's publishing agent and had started demanding payment. Sebastian had obliged, mostly because he didn't want to be lonely.

And yet, Sebastian was still lonely. He didn't mean to be be annoying. He didn't mean to be arrogant. He didn't mean to be demanding, obnoxious, irritating, abhorrent, disgusting, or any of the words Grell called him. He just wanted to write. And no matter how many times people told him his work sucked, he would keep trying. No matter how many times people told him to give up, he would keep going.

He pulled another cigarette out of his pocket. After eyeing it for a moment, he decided it was better not to light it. Of course, his next decision wasn't any better, seeing as he walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer. "You're not going to sleep, tonight, Sebastian." He laughed. "Insomnia is fun, isn't it?" Sometime later, he passed out.

…

4:37AM

Ciel had done it. He had slipped into the house, unnoticed, unheard, safe. He was safe. No sleepy-eyed parents with arms crossed standing in front of him. No yelling, no screaming, just the typical silence of 2:30 in the morning.

Now Ciel was lying wide awake, staring at the ceiling, still worrying. Surely everything would come crashing down, it would happen any minute, any second. He couldn't possibly be safe for long. His secret wasn't a secret anymore. It was out there, being carried around by Lizzy and Alois. He prayed they wouldn't say anything. He would get on his knees and beg if he had to. He would do anything for them to not say anything. _Don't let my parents find out. Do you know what will happen?_ He wanted to start crying all over again. He wanted to quietly slip away and never be seen again. _If only it were that easy._

Wait. Lizzy and Alois weren't the only ones who knew. Ciel couldn't forget about the third person who knew his secret. Sebastian. Who the hell was he anyway? Who did he think he was? Ciel wanted to forget him, he wish he could. After all, Sebastian was just a stranger, he meant nothing. They would never meet again, there was nothing to worry about. But it wasn't worry that Ciel was feeling. He wasn't sure what he was feeling. An itchy feeling was tugging on his heart, not the kind feeling Alois gave him. Something else, something inexplicable. _Why is everything getting so complicated?_

He could still see the tattoos running up his arms, the earring glistening in the dark, the unnatural jet black hair, the mischievous eyes. _Don't make things up, Ciel. You didn't even really see his eyes. It was dark, he could be completely different in the daylight. He might be some kind of freak. _But he knew that couldn't be true. Or at least, he didn't want that to be true. It was about time someone like Sebastian came along. It would certainly break up the monotony of Ciel's everyday life. _What are you thinking? You want him in your life now? You don't even know him. You don't want to know him._ "But I do," Ciel whispered to the ceiling. "I do want to know him."

And just like that, Ciel managed to stop worrying about Lizzy and Alois. He stopped thinking of what they might say. He stopped thinking about how his parents would react. Instead, he thought of the strange writer who somehow knew his secret. He fell asleep with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

…

The Next Morning

"Wake up, Sebastian."

Sebastian cracked his eyes open, he could feel a terrible hangover coming on. It would hit him at any moment. "There it is," he whispered as a torrent of pain worse than being run over hit his head. He shook his head, trying to shake the pain away. "What time is it,Grell?"

"7:00"

"Seven in the morning? I was passed out all this time?"

"Obviously." Grell helped him up. "You stink, go get in the shower. How many beers did you have?"

Sebastian didn't remember. Four, maybe five. He shrugged. "Can you stay today, Grell?"

Grell sighed. "I have a life too you know."

"I know, I know, I just, don't think I should be alone today." Sebastian steadied himself against a chair, grabbing his forehead, trying to lessen the throbbing feeling. "Shit, this sucks," he mumbled.

"Sebastian, go get in the shower. I'll come back later, okay?"

"No, Grell, please stay, please." Sebastian reached over and grabbed his friend's shoulders. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want to." He hated doing this. He hated acting like a little kid who wanted his mommy. He didn't want to be a burden anymore, it was humiliating. And yet, he couldn't help it. He had been doing this his whole life. It was in his nature.

"Just what the fuck is wrong?" Grell suddenly shouted, an extremely annoyed look in his eyes. "You're getting worse, Sebastian. Everyday you're getting worse! Tell me why!"

Sebastian's expression looked like a hurt puppy. "I'm-I'm sorry, Grell, I didn't realize-"

"Of course you didn't! Do you ever think of anyone but yourself? For years now, you've been drinking yourself half to death, making me come and clean up for you. I was your friend once, Sebastian. I cared about you, I wanted to believe in you, I wanted to root for you. But now, I don't think I can. When was the last time you even sat down and wrote anything? Don't lie to me, don't tell me about the book your writing right now, because I know you haven't even started on it." Grell's chest rose and fall rapidly, his face was red; he wasn't done yelling yet. "How can you expect anyone to give a fuck if you don't? What happened to you? What happened to my best friend?" Grell turned away from Sebastian, not meeting the hurt look on his face. "I'll-I'll call you." He hurried out of the apartment, slamming the door.

It was true. Grell's words stung like knives. Every single word was the truth. Sebastian hadn't wrote a word for months. _You said that no matter what people thought, you we keep going. _"I guess I lied," Sebastian said flatly. He had the idea in his mind, it was so clear. The story of the gay teenager. He had the whole entire story in his mind, and yet he couldn't bring his fingers to type it. There was something wrong, definitely something terrible wrong with him. Not writer's block, not procrastination, there was something wrong with _him_.

What had turned him from the like-minded child on the playground to the twenty-seven year old childish adult that everyone hated? What had went wrong?

…

9:04 AM

"Church is in one hour, Ciel. Get up please."

Ciel jolted awake. His dreams of the mysterious writer dissipated around him. He was brought back into his harsh reality. His depressing reality. He looked up at his mother, already all dressed up and ready to go. She stood in his doorway, waiting for him to actually get out of bed.

"I'm really tired, Mother. The prom, it really drained me-"

"Ciel Phantomhive! You will go to church! I let the fact that you crawled home at 2:30 in the morning slide. I don't want to know what you were doing, I don't care what you were doing, but you will not skip church." Rachel Phantomhive left the doorway, walking briskly away.

_She always does this._ Whenever Ciel made a mistake, whenever he did something wrong, she pretended not to care. She said she didn't want to know. She said she didn't care. But that was a lie. She was probably in the living room right now, crying and wondering where she went wrong in raising in her son. Ciel's father was probably consoling her. 'Rachel, please, everything is fine. Ciel won't do it again. He's perfect.' _I'm not perfect. _Ciel hated hearing that from his father. He wanted to rip his hair out and scream. He hated everything. He hated church. He hated calling his parents 'Mother,' and 'Father.' He hated the things the pastor spewed out at every meeting.

"Ciel, get out of bed this instant!" Mother had appeared again, this time walking all the way into the room. She looked into the mirror for a moment, despite the fact that she had a perfectly good mirror in her own bedroom. She adjusted her earrings. Ciel noticed tears in her eyes. _Of course you cried. You're so fake, do you know that? Do you even realize how fake you are?_ He didn't feel guilty in the slightest. He only felt disgust. What a sharp contrast from the Ciel the night before, bawling his eyes out on the street.

"I'm sorry, Mother. I shouldn't have come home so late. I should have answered the phone when you called." Ciel's words came out as if he had rehearsed them. He had apologized to his parents a billion times. "It won't happen again. I promise." Ciel exhaled; it took all he had not to lash out at the disgusting creature in front of him.

"Oh my perfect Ciel! I'm glad you apologized. Thank you." Mother stopped staring at herself in the mirror long enough to engulf Ciel in an awkward hug. "I love you, darling." She smiled. Her pristine white teeth showed. She looked like a vicious beast. "Now get ready, we don't want to be late." She checked the mirror one more time before leaving the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

_Why must we all live under false pretenses?_ Ciel forced himself out of bed. Fifteen minutes later he emerged into the hallway, in a shirt and tie, ready to put himself through yet another sermon. He hadn't believed in God for years.

…

10:43 AM

Sebastian flicked the cigarette back in forth between his spidery fingers. He leaned far over the balcony, momentarily contemplating whether he should let himself fall down. Death wouldn't be so bad, he thought. No one would care to seem him go. Grell had made that clear enough, hadn't he?

"It's not time to die yet," he decided. He was wearing a fresh, clean outfit. One of the few clean outfits he had left. He hadn't done his own laundry for months; that was Grell's job. _I'm a real asshole, aren't I? _A twenty-seven year old who didn't wash his own clothes. He was a spoiled brat. Wasn't it at least partly Grell's fault? After all, he did everything Sebastian asked. If he didn't, maybe things wouldn't have escalated this much. _Oh shut up. It's your fault and you know it. _But he didn't know why. _What went wrong? _That question ran over his mind a trillion times. _Why am I like this?_

Sebastian sighed and went back into the apartment, closing the balcony door tightly. He was afraid that if he went back out there, he would throw himself to the street without hesitation. It would be idiotic for sure, but Sebastian was an idiot. Wasn't he? _Everyone says I am. It must be true._

He threw on a pair of shoes and went downstairs. There was nothing to do in the small, cramped apartment. _Well, you could write. Since, you know, you're a writer._ But he couldn't. He needed that boy. _I didn't even get his name. He's my muse. He's what I need._ He needed to find him. Maybe that boy was the key to get him back on track. Maybe that boy could save him from fading into the dust. He waved to the man at the front desk and left the lobby, going back to the place where he had first met his muse.

…

10:59 AM

The choir stopped singing. Feet started shuffling around. Conversations erupted everywhere. Ciel nearly jumped from his seat. He was itching to leave. He couldn't stand another minute in this stuffy room.

"Ciel."

His stomach dropped. He didn't want to face her. He couldn't. "Elizabeth-"

"Since when do you call me by my full name? Ciel, come on. Let's go outside. Let's talk." Her face was blank, Ciel couldn't see what she was thinking. He couldn't tell whether she was angry or sad. He followed her outside without a word to his parents.

Lizzy led him at least a hundred yards away from the church building and onto the patio of a cafe. She sat down at a table with an umbrella. Ciel pulled into the chair across from her. He waited for her to speak.

"I'm sorry about last night," she finally said, slowly, carefully choosing her words. "I shouldn't have screamed at you."

Ciel nodded. He wasn't sure how to respond. He felt like every conversation they had ever shared never happened. Lizzy was suddenly a stranger. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

It was Lizzy's turn to nod. "I still love you, Ciel. I wish I didn't, but I do. I don't think I can stop." Her voice was dry; she was trying hard not to let it crack. Trying so hard not to fall apart all over again.

"I understand," Ciel replied, though he didn't, not in the slightest. How could she possibly love him after what he did? She could have any boy she wanted, so why him? She should have screamed at him again. "Are we still friends, Lizzy?"

After a long silence, Lizzy answered. "No, we aren't, Ciel."

His heart dropped. "Oh," was all he could manage.

"I'm so sorry, Ciel."

"Oh," he spluttered again. His whole life was falling apart. His only friend in the world, the only friend he had ever needed, was gone. Because he liked the wrong gender. "Lizzy, I..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow." Lizzy stood up and waved goodbye. "We're still lab partners." She smiled sadly and turned away, walking, shoulders sagged, to her apartment building two blocks away.

"Ciel, there you are! Why didn't you tell us you were going to hang out with Lizzy?"

Ciel ignored his father's words and shoved past him, running down the street, going to the only spot he could think of.

…

11:38 AM

"Muse!" Sebastian's heart leaped. There he was, his muse, his inspiration, running straight at him. He broke into a smile, completely forgetting Grell's harsh words.

"You," the teenage boy breathed, gasping. He put an arm of his chest, trying to catch his breath. He was wearing fancy clothes again.

"Do you always dress like that?" Sebastian asked.

The boy scowled. "What are you doing here?" He asked, breathing normally.

"I came to find you," Sebastian replied. "Since this is where we last met, I thought maybe you'd be here again. Why are you here?"

The boy ignored him. "Why did you call me 'muse?'"

"I want you to be the main character in my book." Sebastian smiled. "You're perfect."

The boy's scowl grew. He looked furious. "Don't say I'm perfect. Please don't."

"Oh, okay. Well, Muse-"

"My name is Ciel."

"Ciel, is it okay? Do I have your permission to put you in my book?"

Ciel ignored his questions. "Sebastian, is your life as shitty as mine is right now?"

"Depends. Tell me how shitty your life is."

A hint of a smile ghosted Ciel's lips.

* * *

_A/N: Aww, I think Ciel has a new crush ;) _

_And Ciel is Catholic, in case you were wondering. _

_Also, I hope no one is offended by the way I portray religion in this story. I don't want anyone to be offended. Please remember that this is a fanfic and it doesn't necessarily reflect my own personal beliefs. Let's all respect each other okay?_


	4. Alcohol

Present Day

"Pick up your phone! I don't want to sound like a possessive freak, I'm trying my hardest not to make a big deal out of this. But you do realize that this is a big deal, right? You kissed me in front of everyone, for the first time. After a whole year. A whole year, Sebastian! And now you won't return my calls..." There was a sharp intake of breath, the sound of someone trying not to cry. "Please, Sebastian, please just pick up the phone. It's been four days. Where are you?"

Sebastian searched for the delete button. He swore when he couldn't figure out how to erase the message. "Grell, what the hell is this? Does no one use landlines in 2013? What the hell is an iphone?"

Grell snatched the cell phone from his hands. "I'm not deleting it."

"Fine. Show me how and I'll do it myself."

"Sebastian, I'm telling you you're making a mistake. You're making a huge mistake-"

"I don't like men," Sebastian spit.

Grell smirked. "I really shouldn't find this funny, but I can't help but remember last year. I was fed up with your shit. I didn't want to put up with you anymore. I didn't call you for five days. But then I realized something. I realized that I was no better than you. I was a dick for abandoning you-"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Grell." Sebastian gave up on trying to delete the voice mail from his supposed boyfriend. It was the eighteenth one, not counting the dozen text messages. Sebastian wanted to throw the phone across the room. He wanted to rip the pathetic tattoos off his arm. He wanted to wash the bright blue out of his hair. This was not him, no matter how much he thought about it, it couldn't be right. How could he have become some artistic gay hipster douche? It wasn't possible. And on top of that, where had the alcohol come from? Sebastian had never took a drink in his life. He had planned to never. So what went wrong? What happened? "This fucking question, it won't get out my head!" _What happened? What happened? __**What happened?!**_

"Sebastian, just listen to me. I abandoned you when you needed me the most. You were falling apart and I didn't know why. Instead of trying to help you, I left. But do you know what happened when I finally called you? When I finally stopped being a coward?" Grell laughed. "Seriously, you're going to freak out when I tell you."

…

11:49 AM, One Year Earlier

Ciel lay his head down against the sidewalk, ignoring the immediate discomfort. "I really don't want to go to school tomorrow." He sighed. "Should I even be worrying this much? Is it stupid-"

"It isn't." Sebastian lay down next to him, his legs several inches longer. "I would be worried too." Sebastian scooted closer to him. Ciel fought the urge to lean over and kiss him. _Did I really just think that? I don't want to kiss him!_ But Sebastian was so...different. Unique. Exotic. His beauty was the kind that was either immediately loved or hated. At that moment, Ciel very much wanted to kiss him, there really was no denying it. _But he's an adult. And he's straight. It would never work. And besides, I love Alois. _But love and lust were two very different creatures. What Ciel felt when he looked into Sebastian's mischievous eyes was pure lust.

"Are your parents really that bad?"

Ciel hadn't heard his question. His brain was too busy dreaming up scenarios that could never happen. Scenarios that hadn't even occurred to him before. At least, not with Alois in mind.

"Muse-I mean, Ciel, are you listening?"

"What, oh." Ciel's face went red. Not only was he not listening, but certain feelings were starting to build up. He was imagining kissing those plush, pink lips. Touching that lean, lightly muscled body- _Dear god, what is going on with me?_ Ciel adjusted his legs to hide the obvious bulge in his pants. "What did you say?"

Sebastian hadn't noticed. _Thank you. _Or at least he was pretending not to notice. _No._ "If they found out about you, would they really kick you out?" Sebastian bit his lip. _Please don't do that._ "You know, Ciel, if that ever happens, you can stay with me. I know you don't really know me, and it isn't everyday I invite a stranger in, but I wouldn't mind having you around." He leaned over and ruffled Ciel's hair.

Ciel jerked away, eyes widening, body tensing at Sebastian's soft touch. _Why did you do that? Why didn't you just let him touch you, you idiot!_ Ciel tried to regain his composure. He quickly smiled. "Sorry, I-I just don't like to be touched." _Bullshit. _

"Oh, of course, sorry, I-"

"It's fine," Ciel said tersely as he silently cursed himself. Did Sebastian really want him as his so-called 'muse?' He was a pathetic kid. Not the hero of a story. Not even close. He cleared his throat. "So, you didn't tell me, Sebastian. Does your life suck as much as mine?" _That would be impossible. He's too...perfect. Do perfect people have problems?_

Sebastian rolled away, sitting up. He shook whatever germs the sidewalk possessed out of his hair. Ciel couldn't help but notice his long, spider-like fingers. Only a writer or a musician could possess such hands. Ciel looked down at his own short, stubby fingers. His hands were far too small, like a child's. Lizzy used to make fun of him for it. _Don't think about Lizzy. Don't think about school. Just get through the next two weeks. Then it will all be over. You don't have to see Lizzy, Alois, or anyone in that godforsaken place again. Can't you last?_

"My best friend hates me," Sebastian said, after several seconds of silence. "And it's all my fault."

Ciel was brought out of his thoughts and fully immersed into the present. The sadness that had suddenly woven it's way into Sebastian's voice was enough to make Ciel want to hold him in his arms and never let him go. He sat up and watched as Sebastian's eyes darted around, blinking several times. Was he trying not to cry? Ciel fought the urge to touch his shoulder and pull him closer. "Why does he hate you?" He asked, looking away quickly when Sebastian met his eyes.

"I used to be average. Honestly, and please, don't take this wrong way, but I was kind of like you. When I was a teenager, I just took whatever was given to me. I didn't go out of way to do anything. I got decent grades. I had decent friends. I had a decent girlfriend. I had a decent job. One day I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming. I was sick of the endless monotony, the constant boredom and indifference. I couldn't take it anymore, I was suffocating and if I didn't change things, I would die. So, being the eighteen year old I was, I got a tattoo." Sebastian pointed to a bar code pattern on his inner wrist. "It symbolizes how I was nothing more than a robot before. Just a product. Every time I look at it, it reminds me never to go back to the way things were."

Sebastian was smiling now, perhaps remembering some fond, distant memory. "I dyed my hair bright pink. I threw out all my old clothes. I pierced my ears. I started listening to obscure indie bands. I became a vegetarian. Basically, I became the opposite of who I used to be. People told me I was a fake, a poser, an idiot. I didn't care. I liked the new Sebastian. But you know what happens when you change your whole existence?"

Ciel shook his head. He really didn't like where the story was going. He didn't want to hear anymore. He didn't want his image of Sebastian shattered. He started to stand up. "Sebastian, I should go home now, my parents are probably pissed that I didn't tell them where I was going." The truth was, he didn't care what his parents said or did. He was beyond that now, only thinking of the mysterious, positively wonderful writer in front of him.

"Wait, Ciel." Sebastian grabbed his hand. Ciel was about to jerk away again, about to jump up and run, really not wanting to hear anymore, but catching that suddenly desperate look in Sebastian's eyes, he leaned into the touch, sitting back down. "I was lying to myself." Sebastian's earlier smile had completely vanished. "I was trying to be someone who I wasn't and it was killing me every bit as much as the monotony of before. I became rude, arrogant, childish. There's a thousand different words to describe me. I was trying so hard to be...perfect. That's the word, isn't it? I wanted to be perfect, and in my desperate attempts, the real me died. The real Sebastian stopped existing. And now, now I'm not sure who I am or who I'm trying to be. I'm still dying inside, trying to figure everything out. I don't want to be like this, Ciel. I promise I don't. I don't like the way I am. But I don't know how to change it. No matter how much I try, I can't just be _me_."

Sebastian dropped Ciel's hand. "Sorry, I forgot, you don't like to be touched." The sudden loss of contact made Ciel shiver. He craved to lean back in and kiss Sebastian's sadness away. But he couldn't. He just couldn't.

"So who has the shittier life?" Sebastian laughed. It was clearly fake.

Ciel didn't answer. Instead he stared at the ground, watching as a spider made its way out of one of the cracks in the sidewalk. He pushed his foot out, smashing it. Sebastian wasn't perfect. He was far from it. He was every bit as messed up as Ciel. It was clear he had some kind of a disorder. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, maybe a personality disorder, or maybe all of them. He wasn't alright. Sebastian needed help. Ciel was suddenly overwhelmed; he didn't know how to deal with this. After all, he had problems of his own. He didn't even know how to approach or confront Sebastian's issues. This was something completely new to him. So he did what he had been doing a lot of lately. He ran. "I'm sorry, Sebastian. I really am." Without another word or a reply, Ciel jumped up and ran away, leaving a very confused writer behind.

…

1:06 PM, Five Days Later

He threw the empty can of beer across the room, his seventh one in the space of an hour. It wasn't even the evening yet. The apartment was in a state of disarray. Sebastian had become so used to Grell coming in, cleaning up for him. He relied on him. Grell hadn't come around for five days. There were empty cans strewn about all over the place. Dirty laundry was carelessly flung over the couch, bed, and floor. Dishes were piled up in the sink, the foul stench of rotting vegetable and fruit evident throughout the whole apartment. Sebastian himself, was in the corner of the living room, slouched against the wall, his hair greasy, dark panda-like circles under his eyes. He wasn't even sure where his sudden mood swing had come from. Was it Grell's harsh words from nearly a week ago? Was it Ciel, his muse, running away? Or was it his own fault? _It isn't my fault. It's my brain. My brain can't help it. _But he couldn't help but laugh at his own misfortune.

A sharp vibration in Sebastian's pocket brought him out of his stupor. His first phone call in days. And of course, it was from the only person who ever bothered talking to him. "Grell," he breathed, his lips eager to repeat the name over and over again.

"I'm stupid," Grell's voice said. "Really stupid."

Grell never put himself down like that. He was always the one to insist on his own righteousness. Sebastian wanted to clap, but immediately thought better of it.

"I'm a coward, Sebastian."

"Why is that?" Sebastian's tone was flat though a smile was creeping across his face; he was overjoyed at the fact his friend was speaking to him again. His depressed, drunken, stupor had been shaken out of him.

"You need my help, don't you? You haven't washed the dishes. You haven't done your laundry. You probably haven't eaten anything for a day or two. I know you, Sebastian. I know you way too well. You need me right now, you need help. Not just with the dishes or laundry. But you need someone to help _you_." Grell paused for a second. "I'm coming over. I'm already on my way. I'll be there in two minutes." He hung up, leaving Sebastian feeling elated.

It was amazing how fast his mood could turn around. Sebastian had his best friend back. All it took was a twenty second conversation. He darted into the bathroom, splashed his face and hair, and then rifled through his bedroom, looking for something semi-clean. He didn't want Grell to think he had been moping around all these days, though Grell obviously already knew. He turned on his laptop and opened the document that contained his book. It was completely blank. He typed a few random sentences, trying to look like he had done something productive since their last meeting.

Grell opened the door almost exactly two minutes after he had hung up. He had his own key, considering the amount of time he spent in the apartment. Sebastian sat down at the couch, stringing a few more meaningless sentences together. "Hey, Grell," he said nonchalantly, pretending their argument had never occurred. "I talked to my muse a few days ago. He's fantastic." Sebastian smiled.

Grell ignored him and sat down on the couch, only a few inches away. He eyed the document, rolling his eyes. "'The dog barked and the cat meowed'," he read. "'The cow mooed and the bird chirped.' What the hell is this, Sebastian?"

"Art." Sebastian turned away from the laptop, facing Grell. "I think I'm okay now, Grell. I'm sorry about the way I've treated you-"

Grell cut him off. "I don't need an apology, Sebastian. I should be apologizing to you. You're not okay, and I know it. Have you seen a doctor lately?"

Sebastian was taken aback. "What, you think I have some disease?"

"It's obvious there's something wrong, Sebastian. It's not your fault, I get that now. But you need help, you really do."

Just like that, Sebastian's mood dived down. "Go do the laundry, Grell."

Normally, Grell would have swore at him. He probably would have raised his fist, ready to punch Sebastian and bring it back down at the last possible second. This time, though, he nodded. "Alright, I'll do the laundry if you agree to something."

"What?"

"Go to the hospital with me."

"Why?" Sebastian stared at Grell, trying to keep from screaming. _I'm not crazy. I don't need a doctor._

"Because I care about you," Grell said simply. He scooted in close enough so that there was only a centimeter of space between their bodies. "I really care about you." He closed the space, pressing his lips against Sebastian's.

Sebastian jolted backwards, reeling. "What the-what the hell?!"

Grell laughed. "You see, Sebastian? One moment you were happy to see me, the next, you were angry, now you're confused. Your mood changes practically every second. So do you see now, do you see that something is wrong?" He gagged. "You taste like beer. I'm definitely not doing that again."

"You're seriously using that as an excuse to take me to the hospital? That was a completely normal reaction. Of course I'm confused, you just kissed me for christ's sake! Without warning!"

"Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted to kiss you, your lips are kind of irresistible."

"Now I don't know whether you're playing or if you're serious." Sebastian walked over to the refrigerator, pulling out the last can of beer.

Grell, right behind him, took it from his hands. "That's another thing about you, you use alcohol as an escape. From stress, unexpected and unwelcome situations, failure, depression, anger, everything. You use it to supposedly solve all your problems. You're an alcoholic, Sebastian. Can't you see that that's a problem?"

Sebastian shook his head, trying to take back the can. "I'm not crazy, Grell. I don't need to go to the hospital."

"I didn't say you were crazy, Sebastian. I'm trying to help you."

"Why are you being so nice?" Sebastian suddenly said, his voice quickly rising. "It seems like you're the one with a problem. Five days you ago you yelled at me. Now you're saying you want to help me. What's going on?"

Grell set the can of beer down onto the counter top, sighing when Sebastian eagerly picked it up. "I'm trying to be your friend, Sebastian. That's all. I'm really trying."

"I'm aware I have a problem. I'm aware I have several problems. But there's nothing I can do. There's nothing anybody can do." _Or in other words, I'm too ashamed to do anything about it._

"All right. Fine. Do your own fucking laundry. I'm not going to give up on you, though. I can't do that to you again, I care about you too much." Grell picked up a bundle of dirty clothes and piled it into the basket. "I'll be back tomorrow at seven. We're going to dinner. Wear something nice."

* * *

_A/N: I'm not sure what disorder Sebastian has. I can't decide whether he's bipolar, has borderline personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, or a little bit of everything. I'm not an expert in this area. But I can for sure say he has depression. __  
_

_I just realized depression is pretty much a part of everything I write..._

_I also realized that I procrastinate way too much, I'm going to try to stop, since I'm sure you would all love me to update like fifty times a day if I could :) I think I'll aim for three times a week._


	5. Runaway

7:32 AM, Four Days Earlier, Monday

_ Why the hell did I do that? _Ciel stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to rub the dark circles under his eyes away. He couldn't stop regretting what he did. Running away from Sebastian, leaving the poor man all by himself. Ciel hated picturing that confused, hurt look on the writer's face. He hated running away. First from Lizzy, than Alois, and then the one person who had it just as bad as he did. And now here he was, still feeling so guilty from everything that had taken place over the weekend. And worrying about what he would encounter in approximately half and hour when his last full week of school would begin. The last regular week of high school before next week's yearbook signing, farewell assembly, and finally, graduation. Ciel wanted to fast forward to that day so badly. The day he would become free.

"Ciel, darling, you're going to be late. Should I get your father to take you?"

Ciel grabbed the hand towel and dried his face off. His mother was wearing an elaborate, long, violet dress. As if she were the one who had been to prom. "I'm fine. I'll take the bus."

"You missed the bus, Ciel. It came five minutes ago."

"The city bus, Mother. I'll take the city bus." Ciel turned the light off and left the bathroom.

"I don't like that tone, Ciel."

Ciel wanted to scream. "Sorry, Mother. I didn't mean to upset you." As usual, it sounded as if he had rehearsed it. Fortunately, his mother hadn't seemed to pick up on it. She smiled her usual, fake, smile, bearing he overly whitened teeth.

"I don't like it when you take public transport, Ciel, sweetie. It could be dangerous. There's all kinds of people-"

"Then why the hell did you choose New York?!" Ciel suddenly burst out. He put a hand over his mouth, realizing his mistake, realizing what was about to happen.

"Ciel! Don't you dare speak to me that way!"

"I'm sorry-"

Ciel closed his eyes as his mother slapped him across the face, leaving a red mark on his cheek. She turned around, looking away from him. "I'm going to Mrs. Midford's annual summer party. I won't be back until seven. Dinner is in the fridge." She began to walk away, but hesitated. "Have a nice day at school," she added softly, her voice catching, false sobbing already starting.

_I'm tired of being sorry. I'm tired of your pretending. I need to get out of here, out of this horrible place. _"Only two more weeks, that's it, Ciel. That's all. Can't you handle it?" He said aloud, and already knew the answer. _I can't do this anymore._ He shoved past his father, who was on his way out the door to work.

"Ciel, wait, don't you want me to take you to school-"

Ciel ignored him, knowing full well his father had no desire to take him to school, knowing full well that as soon as Ciel got out the car, his father would breath out a sigh of relief, thankful that he didn't have to spend anymore time with his son. Ciel also knew that his father wasn't really going to work. He was on his way to a hotel where he would meet up with his wife's sister. The woman he truly loved. It was all very soap-operish, and Ciel would have found his family's turmoil somewhat humorous if it wasn't for his own soap-opera.

He walked to the bus stop, slowly, dragging his feet. He was strongly contemplating whether he should actually go to school or not. It would be so easy to run away, right now, and never go back. His grades wouldn't drop, he was already sure. School wasn't even being taken seriously anymore. Especially for the seniors; they were essentially done. And yet, for some reason, Ciel boarded the bus, rode it to the stop nearest the school, and dragged himself all the way up the steps, pushing himself through the front doors, despite his heart wanting to stop.

No one looked at him. No one noticed him. Ciel was invisible, just as he had always been. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Alois and Lizzy hadn't told a soul. Or if they had, then these people apparently didn't really care. Ciel was almost starting to feel okay again, or at least as okay as he was capable of feeling. He would be able to get through school after all. There was nothing to worry about. He would face Lizzy in Chemistry and pretend like nothing had happened. They would be purely lab partners. Colleagues, nothing more. He wouldn't even have to face Alois. They had no classes together. And at lunch, Ciel could just eat in the library. Everything would be absolutely fine. Of course, he was wrong.

"Ciel."

The voice was immediately recognizable. Ciel glanced at the clock on the wall. The five minute bell was about to ring. It was time for everyone to start making their way to class. Ciel could have easily pretended not to hear. It was loud, there were hundreds of conversations going on everywhere. He could so easily pretend not to hear that single voice. But he didn't. Instead, he turned, facing Alois.

"Please leave me alone. Please let me get over you." They were standing more than five feet apart, people weaving around them. No one noticing the popular boy speaking to the loner. No one sensing anything out of the ordinary.

"I'm not going to do that." Alois spoke firmly, confidently, in his signature charismatic voice. "I'm not going to let you get over me."

_What is going on? How do I go from despising myself to being turned on by some guy I don't even know, to this? What is this anyway? I can't tell if I'm in love with him or if I want to sleep with him or what. And here he is, talking to me like...like...He likes me. Alois likes me._ "You like me," Ciel blurted, not hearing the five minute bell ring. Not caring that his first class was on the second floor and that it would take at least three minutes to get there.

Alois nodded. "I do. I like you very much, Ciel."

"That's-that's what you were trying to tell me at the dance. When you were chasing after me. You were trying to-"

"I was trying to confess to you, Ciel." Alois took one, long, confident stride, towards Ciel. They were now standing with less than a foot between them. The crowd was starting to diminish. Still no one had even glanced at them. No one cared. And suddenly, Ciel stopped caring too. He forgot about Sebastian the writer, he forgot about Lizzy, he forgot about his parents, his religion, his whole life, and just focused on the person standing in front of him. The person whom he had wanted to be his for years. "Alois," he whispered softly.

"Is it okay, Ciel? Is it okay if I kiss you?" The tardy bell rang. Only a few stragglers remained, hustling through the hallways. The air was silent around them, except for their heartbeats. "I know you probably don't want anybody to see-"

"I don't care," Ciel said. And he meant it, he truly meant it. The whole world stopped as Alois leaned in, kissing him so gently, so...beautifully. It was obvious how experienced he was. How many lips had Alois kissed? How many hands had he held? How did Ciel even compare?

But none of that mattered. Alois was kissing him. Alois chose him. Him. Ciel. Over everybody else. Ciel moaned, involuntarily, the sound surprising him. He had never dreamed that anybody could make him feel so alive. His whole body was burning. And suddenly, he thought back to laying next to Sebastian on the sidewalk, and his plush, pink lips. _Stop. Why are you thinking of that? You're kissing Alois. Alois Trancy. Your crush of what, five years? You have him, finally, after all this time. So why the hell are you thinking of someone you barely know?_ He pushed himself against Alois, kissing him back with all the passion he had. Trying to let himself fall into this moment. Trying to forget the man who he would most likely never see again. _Most likely. Oh god, stop it, Ciel._

"Do you want to go into the bathroom?" Alois whispered as they finally separated. They were both panting for breath, beads of sweat glistening on Alois's forehead.

Ciel nodded. He had thought of this day for years. He wasn't going to let the stupid writer ruin it. _I have Alois now. Alois is with me. I don't need, and I don't want anyone else._ He let Alois lead him down the hall, not bothering to glance at the clock. He would have long since been counted as absent by now. The restroom was completely empty. Perfect. As soon as they entered, Alois pushed Ciel against the wall, attacking his neck and throat with his lips. Ciel gasped as Alois latched onto a spot, biting him lightly, all the while rubbing his hands up and down Ciel's body. He pulled Ciel's shirt up slightly, caressing the skin around his stomach.

Ciel pushed himself up against Alois's body, grinding against him. He entwined his fingers into Alois's hair, kissing his lips, tasting every bit of him, listening to the pure ecstasy that escaped from both their throats.

"Can I?" Alois asked, taking a breath. His eyes found Ciel's arousal. Ciel knew exactly what he was asking. He responded by unzipping his pants. Alois smiled, touching the heated skin above the waistband of Ciel's underwear. He slowly began to kneel down, caressing Ciel's thighs, moving in, groaning softly as Ciel shivered at his touch. In one swift motion, he brought Ciel's underwear down, eyes widening at the sight in front of him. Ciel closed his eyes and rolled his head back as Alois's lips grazed his aching erection. He moaned, louder than before, forgetting that they were in the school restroom, not even in the privacy of a stall. He bucked his hips forward, thrusting into Alois's mouth. Alois sucked harder, bobbing his head up and down, fighting to taste every inch of Ciel.

Suddenly, there was a sound. Separate from their moaning, separate from the loud sucking sound Alois made, separate from Ciel's whimpers. It was the sound of a door being opened. They both heard it. Alois froze, tearing his lips away, still kneeling on the floor. Ciel immediately recalled everything. This was it. This was the beginning and the end of his relationship with Alois. He just knew it.

The door was opened only slightly, whoever was standing there could not be seen. Alois stood up. Ciel quickly pulled his underwear and jeans up, his arousal completely gone.

"Who's there?" Alois asked firmly. It was hard to believe that only moments earlier he had been a mess of moans and whimpers, eagerly wanting to please Ciel. Greedily sucking on him, wanting him. "Who's there?" He asked again, even louder.

"Trancy and Phantomhive, please um, after you have composed yourselves, please come to my office." The door clicked shut. They both knew who the voice belonged to without even seeing the face.

"Principal Spears," Ciel whispered. His parents would find out. He was not going to get through his last two weeks of being a high school student unscathed. His parents were going to find out his secret. He remembered his mother's hand, slapping him across the face. His parents were capable of so much worse.

Once again, completely involuntarily, Sebastian the writer entered his mind. He could picture the man clearly, laying on the sidewalk, ruffling his hair. Staring at him with his mischievous eyes. "This was a mistake," Ciel said to no one in particular. He left the restroom, without waiting for Alois to follow behind him. He had no intention of going to the principal's office. He had no intention of going home. He couldn't. Not ever again.

…

7:01 PM, Five Days Later, Saturday

"You're one minute late," Sebastian said flippantly. "You said seven, it's 7:01."

Grell rolled his eyes. "Why aren't you dressed?"

Sebastian sat on the living room couch, casually, in his boxers. He shrugged. "I don't want to go out today."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason? I just don't want to. I would much rather order takeout, or even better, why don't we throw a party? I haven't had a party in ages-"

"Sebastian," Grell chastised, as if he was talking to a small child, "We are going to dinner because the publishing company invited us."

"They didn't tell me."

"Of course they didn't. No one can tell you anything because no one has any idea how you'll react. Now put on a suit, comb your hair, brush your teeth, and let's go. We're supposed to be there at eight."

"Than why did you say seven?" Sebastian asked, yawning. He stretched his legs, and stood up, making his way to the bathroom to wash the alcohol off his breath.

"Because I knew you would take forever," Grell said and sighed. He scanned the room, looking for something even remotely nice for Sebastian to wear. "Do you even own a suit?"

Sebastian splashed his face. "I did once. But I lost it to a woman a while back." He dried himself, and combed through his hair. The jet black had begun to fade, revealing the almost dull-looking regular black color.

"Fine, wear this than. It's the only shirt that looks good and doesn't smell like you went dumpster-diving in it." Grell appeared in the bathroom doorway, holding up a long-sleeved, slim-fitting, button-up shirt. "Did you even do your laundry yesterday like I asked you to?"

Sebastian smirked.

"Of course not." Grell shoved the shirt at Sebastian's face and retreated back into the hall, looking for a pair of jeans or dress pants. "I'm still not going to do your laundry for you. I'm not going to give in."

Sebastian threw the shirt on, ignoring Grell's words. He went into the kitchen, looking for a nice bottle of alcohol. He was out. He cursed under his breath. He wasn't allowed to purchase alcohol when Grell was with him. Grell would immediately throw it out or drink it himself. "Muse wouldn't do that," he whispered to himself. It had been six days since they had seen each other. Sebastian didn't have a phone number, an address, or even a last name. He had a strong feeling he would never even seen Ciel again. That feeling made him want to throw himself off the balcony. He felt empty, dead inside, absolutely horrible. Alive, but not awake. Not even close.

"I found a pair of jeans. They're bright red, but the only other ones were leather, so I thought this was the better choice." Grell threw the jeans into Sebastian's arms, and forced him out of the kitchen.

Sebastian put them on, still feeling terribly empty. He followed Grell out of the apartment, the corner of his eye looking out the window, at the balcony that he had contemplated throwing himself off so many times. For no particular reason other than because his brain told him to. He found himself at the restaurant, not remembering how he got there, not really caring. He greeted people he didn't even know. He put on a smile, because he had to. Not even Grell could coax him out of this dark abyss of sadness he had been thrown into. Of course, it was temporary. He knew that. He knew that in anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, he would be okay again. He would be normal for a while. Then maybe incredibly happy. Then perhaps, overwhelmingly sad. Or angry, or any and every other emotion that he could possibly feel.

Dinner progressed slowly, lethargically. Sebastian didn't even touch his food, and then, he saw him. _Muse. My muse. He's over there. _Two people sat down at a table a few feet away. He began to stand up, wanting to run over to Ciel, take his hand and run away. Grell put a hand on his shoulder, mumbling something to someone next to him. "Sebastian has a disorder. But he refuses to be diagnosed."

Sebastian's heart started pounding, his temporary dip into depression soaring up into the throes of happiness. "Ciel," he shouted, impulsively.

The couple at the table looked up. The man cleared his throat.

"Ciel, Muse," Sebastian called cheerfully. Grell now had an embarrassed look on his face. He was trying to pull Sebastian back down, trying to force him to sit back down. "I'm so sorry about all this."

"Ciel, it's me, it's the writer, Sebastian!" Sebastian jogged over to the table, where the shocked couple was staring up at him. His heart suddenly sunk. The man was not Ciel. He wasn't a teenager at all. He was clearly anywhere from his mid-forties to early-fifties. But he had the same hair, the same eyes, the same face, just aged.

"Ciel is my son," the man said confusedly. He looked across at his companion, a woman with red hair, red lipstick, and a red dress. "Excuse me for a moment, Anne." He stood up, put a hand on Sebastian's back and led him outside.

Grell sat back down at the table. "He'll be back."

"Who are you?" The man who looked like Ciel but wasn't, said. "How do you know my son? He doesn't associate with people like you." He eyed Sebastian's hair and earrings.

The conversation from Sunday afternoon came crawling back. Ciel describing his snobbish, appalling parents. They wouldn't approve of Ciel's sexual orientation. They wouldn't approve of anyone who wasn't as seemingly perfect as themselves. But the woman Ciel's father was with, she wasn't his wife. That was not the woman Ciel described. "I don't usually associate with cheaters like you either," Sebastian said slyly. "Ciel is my muse."

"Your muse?"

"Yes, my muse," Sebastian said proudly. "I'm a writer and he is my subject."

"No, he isn't." Ciel's father put a finger on Sebastian's chest. "Don't go near my son, do you hear me? Don't you ever go near him. Are you the one who stole him? Did you take my son away?"

Sebastian was confused. "What are you talking about?"

Ciel's father stared at him, apparently deciding whether Sebastian was telling the truth or not. "Ciel's gone."

* * *

_A/N: Forget that whole, "I'll try to update three times a week" thing. It's just not going to happen. I'm about to get really busy since school starts in a few weeks and I'll have a job soon (hopefully). I'll update as much as I can though, don't worry, I won't let you go too long without an update, I love you all too much :)_

_Please review and follow, that's what keeps me going! _

_And I apologize if there are spelling and/or grammar mistakes, I didn't really bother proofreading this chapter because I got too lazy. If you spot anything really big, please let me know and I'll fix it._


	6. Normal

5:47 AM, Four Days Earlier, Tuesday

He had done it. Ciel had lasted a full night, alone. He was officially a runaway. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel. Liberated? Relieved? Was he supposed to suddenly feel happy? Because he didn't; not at all. Not even close. He felt more alone, more isolated than he had his whole life. But there was no going back. He couldn't face the people he abandoned. _Abandoned. Did I really abandon them? Alois will be fine, he'll get over me. I know he will. Lizzy's done with me. Maybe if I'm gone she'll finally stop loving me. My parents, they won't care. Not really. They'll pretend to, but I know that they won't. _

And yet, he wondered if that was true. Would his parents miss him? Was it possible that they truly loved him? Would they love him unconditionally? Surely by now they knew the truth. Their perfect, precious son, caught with the most popular boy in school. Surely the principal had told them by now.

Ciel felt a twinge of guilt. He was not the only one who was suffering from this. Alois was probably suffering too. Ciel didn't even know about Alois's background. Would his parents care? Would they disown him, throw him to the street? Alois was a private person, he never talked about his home life, not even with his closest friends, and certainly never with Ciel. Perhaps Alois's situation was even worse.

_What do I do? _He had nothing but the clothes on his back, a cellphone in his pocket, and a backpack full of binders and textbooks. There were over twenty missed called from both of his parents. Nothing else. Alois didn't even have his phone number. Ciel regretted not giving it to him. He should have given it to him back in sophomore year when he signed Alois's yearbook. Maybe right now he would actually feel comfort. He wouldn't feel as if the world gave up on him.

_What about Sebastian?_ The writer kept cropping up his mind every so often. He couldn't go more than an hour without that man popping into his brain, making all of his other thoughts disappear. Sebastian. Sebastian. Sebastian. _What about him? Why do I keep thinking about him?_ _Why does he keep invading me?!_ He couldn't help but remember their last conversation. It too, would not leave his mind. 'I wouldn't mind having you around,' Sebastian had said. And then he had ruffled Ciel's hair, a brotherly gesture. Just an innocent ruffle, and yet the things it had done to Ciel, the mess of emotions it had made him, could not be forgotten.

"I wouldn't mind having you around," Ciel whispered. He pulled the backpack out from underneath his head, sitting up, stretching. His surroundings didn't help him forget the writer. He was in the same spot, yet again. The same spot where they had first met. The same spot where that unforgettable conversation had taken place. "I wouldn't mind having you around," Ciel repeated. Was it an offer? Had Sebastian invited him? Even if it was an invitation, it didn't matter. Ciel didn't know where he lived, he didn't know his phone number, he didn't even know Sebastian's last name. They were still strangers. Nothing more. They could hardly even be called acquaintances. And yet, Sebastian had called Ciel his muse. _I'm more than a stranger to him, right? He cares about me, right? _But Ciel didn't really know. It was impossible to discern the man's feelings. One minute, Sebastian was ruffling his hair. The next he was talking about how he screwed up his own life, nearly in tears. The real Sebastian hid behind a wall. The mysterious writer was one of his personalities. Ciel had only seen a glimpse of the true Sebastian, the one who was choking on his own sadness, and he didn't like him. He didn't like him at all. So why couldn't he get him out of his mind?

Why couldn't he organize all of his stupid thoughts into something coherent? Or even better, why couldn't he just stop thinking, stop analyzing everything that had happened the past week?! _Why can't this just all be over? Will it ever end? Will my life ever be normal?_

Ciel silently stood up, putting the backpack on his shoulders. He didn't know where he was going. Not home. Not school. So where? Where could he go? Lizzy was not an option anymore. He didn't know where Alois lived. He didn't know where Sebastian lived. That was it, that was the short list of significant people in his life. And that made Ciel feel all the more lonely.

…

8:24 PM, Four Days Later, Saturday

"What do you mean he's gone?!" Sebastian grabbed the man's shoulders, his emotions taking control, not that they hadn't already. It was remarkable how similar the man's features were to Ciel's. Twenty years from now, would this be the person Ciel was? Would he still be Sebastian's muse?

"Let go," the man said sourly, shrugging Sebastian's hands away. "I don't have to tell you anything." He tried to pry himself away, waving at the woman in red, who had made her way outside. She wore a concerned look, biting her lower lip and tapping her fingers nervously on her thighs.

"Vincent, who is this man?"

"Some freak," Ciel's father answered.

Sebastian tried to grab him again, demanding an answer. "What do you mean Ciel's gone? Please, please tell me!" Sebastian's face had gone red, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. His body temperature was rapidly rising, his blood practically boiling. He had absolutely lost control, caught between rage and extreme anxiety. "Tell me, I'm begging you!"

"Calm down," Ciel's father said. He put a hand up, defending himself. "Calm down."

"Where is my muse?!" Sebastian screamed, not meaning to, not wanting to. He tried to lower the tone of his voice, failing. "Where is Ciel?!"

"Vincent, get away from that man!" The woman in red ran up to them, gripping the man's hand, pulling him away from Sebastian. "Vincent, are you alright? Did he hurt you?" She had her arms wrapped around him, like a mother protecting her child. Vincent gave her a sweeping kiss on the forehead before pulling away from her, back to Sebastian. "Vincent, what are you doing? Get away from him!"

Vincent ignored the woman's protests, striding up to Sebastian, who's chest was rising and falling rapidly, face still bright red. "What is my son to you?" Vincent said in an almost guttural tone. "Why are you so worried about him?"

Sebastian's heartbeat started to return to its normal state. His fury was disappearing almost as fast as it had arrived. "I already told you, he's my muse." His face was already returning to its regular, pale tone. His black hair washing out his skin, emphasizing his cheekbones as well as the dark circles under his eyes. "I need my muse. I need Ciel."

"Why?" Vincent asked, curiosity slipping into his voice. "How long have you known him? What is your relationship?"

"I assure you, whatever you think is going on between me and your son, is wrong. But you see, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about him. He's in my thoughts constantly, plaguing them. When a writer finds inspiration, they tend to grab it and never let go. Ciel is my inspiration, I see a story in him that I can't miss out on. It would be...wrong. I would be a horrible person for letting Ciel slip away from me."

"So that's what my son is to you? A story? Is that all you care about? Do you realize Ciel is a human being, not a few words on a page. He's a living, breathing, human being, not your muse. Not something you own." Vincent stepped away, back into the welcoming arms of his overly red mistress. "I think you're already a horrible person if you really see my son that way." Vincent took off down the street, calling out for a taxi, apparently forgetting about the half-eaten meal still sitting on the table inside.

Sebastian's head started to throb; it was the feeling that usually came with a hangover. But he was sober right now. That feeling shouldn't have been there. _What exactly is Ciel to me? _He wasn't sure. The man's words chilled him, they made him want to scream. And he would have screamed if it weren't for Grell coming to his rescue. Again. Another thing that was quickly making him feel all the more worse. When would the day come when he didn't have to rely on his 'colleague' for everything? When would the day come when Sebastian could be normal? _Normal doesn't exist. _

"What just happened?" Grell asked, though it was clear he already understood. They had been through too many similar scenarios for Grell to even be remotely surprised. He didn't even appear to have real sympathy or concern for Sebastian's embarrassment. In a few hours, or even in a few minutes, Sebastian would be fine. Or at least as fine as he could be. He would be back in the restaurant, sipping on wine, smiling and bantering while Grell tried to replace the wine with water. Then he would fade into the night, doing whatever it was Sebastian did. In the morning he would call Grell, and the whole cycle of depression, anger, happiness, etcetera, would start anew.

Sebastian simply blinked, as if blinking made everything go away. "Let's go back inside. I-I guess it wasn't Ciel." He smiled on the outside, while on the inside, he weeped.

…

Present Day

Ciel shoved his cell phone back into his pocket, although it was incredibly tempting to just throw it into the street where it would be flattened and scattered about into a thousand little pieces, essentially dead. Maybe it was time to throw himself into the street. Judging by the speed of the cars, he would be killed in less than a second, a painless death. But then the traffic light turned yellow, and all of those cars immediately slowed down to an almost snail-like pace. If Ciel ran out there now, he wouldn't even earn so much as a scratch.

_God. Are you really contemplating suicide? Do you really have to do this every single fucking time something goes wrong? What is wrong with you? Do you really hate yourself this much? Do you actually want to die, Ciel?_ And the truth was, yes, yes he did want to die. Even on that beautiful night when Sebastian kissed him in front of everyone. He had wanted to die for a very long time now. And there was nothing that could be done. Not even Sebastian could take that pain away. Ciel was too far gone.

"You could at least pick up the phone, you prick!" He yelled, though no one could hear him over the traffic. "You could at least say something to me. Anything, I don't care, I just want to hear your voice. I want to hear your voice before I die." Maybe that could save him. Maybe some kind of reassurance, something that told him he still mattered. Maybe that would be enough. But he hadn't heard Sebastian's voice for over a week. The longest time since they met that they hadn't spoken. Ciel couldn't help but feel like he was already dead. After all, he was sitting alone, practically screaming, and no one heard him. He was already a ghost.

"Does anybody want to listen?" The sound of traffic faded and all Ciel could hear was the sound of his own breathing. He inhaled and exhaled. "Will it finally end?" He asked no one, as the light turned green and he walked out into the oncoming traffic.

…

3:00 PM, One Year Earlier, Friday

He shouldn't have been there. It was stupid, incredibly stupid. He should have been a hundred miles away by now, in a different state, far away from everything he hated. But no, Ciel couldn't do that. No matter how much he wanted to, some invisible force kept him in his own personal hell. He stood back, slightly in the bushes, obscured in the shade, no one would notice him. No one ever did. He already knew he was safe, and yet, as Alois bounced down the steps, friends in tow, he couldn't help but shrink down lower. He wanted to apologize. 'Sorry for abandoning you in the bathroom. Is everything alright?' That was stupid. Of course Alois wasn't alright, he probably hated Ciel.

"Alois!"

Ciel's gaze shifted, when he saw who the voice belonged to, he shrank down even lower. _Lizzy._

Alois smiled. He waved at his friends and nearly ran up to Lizzy. This was not what Ciel had pictured. He pictured Alois walking alone, head down, face puffy from crying. _Do you even miss me, Alois? Do you even care that I've been missing for four days?_ And what was Lizzy doing? Had she finally decided to move on? _So she chose him? Is that it? She chose the guy I've had a crush on forever? _

"Hey, Elizabeth."

_Her full name? No one calls Lizzy, 'Elizabeth.'_

"You know how graduation is tomorrow? I was thinking that maybe afterwards, we could get something to eat, or maybe you have family stuff-"

"That sounds great!"

Lizzy smiled. "Okay, cool-"

Ciel stopped listening. _They don't care. Neither of them care. _He walked away from the bushes and down the street, making his way towards the spot which he couldn't really leave. He silently prayed that the writer would come back. He silently prayed that he could have someone to talk to. And still, he hoped that someday, this would all end. _Will anybody ever care?_ "Sebastian cares." And he hoped that was true. If only he would have stayed behind, if only he would have listened to Lizzy and Alois's full conversation, maybe that would have been the defining moment. Maybe if he would have stayed behind and listened, everything would be alright. Maybe everything would have turned out differently.

…

The conversation Ciel didn't hear

"Are you alright, Alois? I know you won't talk to anybody about it, but I was his best friend. I was his only friend. I feel like this is my fault."

"Is that the only reason why you asked me out? I don't need your sympathy, Elizabeth."

"But it's hard, isn't it? The whole school knows about what happened between you guys. And he just disappeared, doesn't that worry you? Ciel's always avoided anything that could hurt him. He's always tried to be perfect. He's always been under all kinds of pressure from his parents-"

"I'm dying right now, is that enough? I want to find him. I want to comfort him. I want to help him, but I can't."

"Ciel wouldn't go very far, I'm sure you could find him-"

"No, you don't understand, Elizabeth."

"I'll help, I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to tell him how stupid it was of me to stop being his friend, I want him to know how much I care about him, how much I love him-"

"Elizabeth, look at me."

"What is it?"

"I love Ciel. I want him to know that."

"Of course-"

"If I don't get the chance to tell him myself, then you will, okay? Tell him that I love him, tell him that I don't care what his parents think and that if I could I would give him the whole world."

"Are you crying? Alois, what's going on?"

"Am I a good liar, Elizabeth?"

"What?"

"I've been keeping a secret for a long time now."

"What, that you're gay-"

"Elizabeth. I'm going to die. Maybe I have a year. Maybe I have a month. But the fact is, I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do about it. I should have told Ciel that a long time ago. I should have told him that I loved him a long time ago. But you can't change what happened in the past, can you?"

"Alois, I-"

"I'll help you for as long as I can. Maybe we can both receive closure. Maybe Ciel will forgive both of us-"

"Alois!"

"I hope he's alright, wherever he is. I hope he doesn't do something he'll regret. I'm-I'm going to go home now. I feel...exhausted all of the sudden. I'll see you at graduation, Elizabeth."

* * *

_A/N: Okay, I think we can all agree this is just as depressing as Misery Loves Company. Present day Ciel just attempted suicide. Past Sebastian is an alcoholic with a mental disorder, (which I have decided exactly what it is and I'll reveal probably in a couple chapters from now) and past Alois is going to die. (I'll tell you what he has in the next chapter.) _

_My stories are really messed up, aren't they? One of these days I'm gonna write a Sebastian/Ciel fluff, and it will be nothing but cuteness. _

_Anyways, I hope you're enjoying this so far. I've got soooo much planned for this fic :) _


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